Doug from Table Talk recently welcomed Wellness Coach, Helen Kelder from Light Truth Love Coaching and Counselling. They discussed Combatting Christmas Conflict to help us have a more peaceful season.

Break Unhealthy Habits

“Conflict isn’t the enemy,” Helen began. “Unhealthy habits are.”

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

John 16:33

Be Proactive, Not Reactive

“As soon as frustration’s arising, don’t wait for it to escalate. Address it early. Conflict delayed is conflict amplified,” she implored.

Take a Moment

She encouraged us to take a breath and contemplate what the response is before we speak.

“I think you want to naturally protect yourself when you feel as though someone’s coming at you. So we are naturally defensive.”

If you want to reduce that instinct to get defensive, the quickest way to get there is to stop giving an argument fuel.

Seek to Understand

“Listen first before you start crafting your reply,” she said. “It is not helpful to formulate a response as you listen.”

“You’ve got to let go of having to be right. Winning often comes at a cost. It’s not worth it,” said Helen.

Tone is Important

“We are listening to 80% of somebody’s tone before we hear the words that they say,” she said.

“Your tone will carry the meaning of what you have to say. So if you carry that tone, instead of yelling or defensively attacking the other person, if you respond with calmness and seek that understanding of the other person, it will help both of you get on the same page.”

“The moment I’ve shouted or sworn, I’ve actually lost the argument because I’m demonstrating that I’ve lost control of myself,” said Helen.

Don’t Rely on Feelings

“Our feelings may be real, but they’re not always reliable,” she implored. “Feelings should act as a healthy temperature gauge.”

Helen detailed the importance of understanding when you are triggered, without letting it dictate how you respond, saying that being self-aware can protect us from those common mistakes in the heat of an argument.

“Too often we allow our feelings to tell us what to do. And it just, it gets us into all sorts of trouble relationally.”

Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall.

Proverbs 16:18

“These responses we have that steer us away from apologising first are never helpful. They always breed destruction,” said Helen.

Time and Place

Helen outlined the priorities of proactive conflict resolution. The first is picking a time and a place to have a calm discussion, instead of in the middle of what you are doing.

“Sometimes we’re doing it in the heat of the moment. It’s not helpful. Never do it when you’re tired or rushed or in front of children,” said Helen. “Have that kindness for yourself and that patience for yourself and others equally. Don’t push for a fast resolution.”

Speak Encouragement and Truth

It is important that we are revisiting the bible daily to be refreshed by the truth.

“It helps reorientate us to what is true, what is good, what is beautiful, what is praiseworthy. I can’t even express that enough, because when you place your heart in a position intentionally that is receptive and loving and seeks the good, the outcomes that you get are always in alignment with that.”

Virtuous Values

“Look for their good virtues, stop focusing on the faults. If someone has hurt us previously, we’re looking for that again automatically without even being conscious of it.”

Don’t Suffer Alone

Helen encouraged us to seek help from a third party, if needed. She also said taking a journal places and writing things down can be so helpful.

“That process of writing things down helps you to alleviate the pressure on yourself and helps you to clarify your mind. So get the bad stuff out by journaling, get the good stuff in by filling yourself with truth and worship,” said Helen.

Check out the full chat below with Doug and Helen Kelder below.