Counsellor and Corporate Wellbeing Coach Helen Kelder joined Doug to unpack a topic many of us wrestle with, understanding our emotions.
What Is Emotional Reasoning?
Helen began by explaining what emotional reasoning is, “It’s the habit of believing whatever you feel must be true.” In other words, if you feel rejected, you might assume you are rejected. If you feel overwhelmed, you might think you’re failing.
This thinking style, which she refers to as “feelings-based living” often leads us into trouble. Emotions might reflect reality, but they often reflect our past wounds and personal beliefs. “Feelings aren’t facts,” Helen said. “They’re messages.”
How Emotions Distort Relationships
Emotions don’t stay contained. They bleed into our relationships. “When you allow feelings to direct reasoning, you misinterpret things,” Helen shared. A rushed tone from someone might sound critical if it reminds you of being scolded as a child.
You interpret it as rejection, even though that’s not what was meant. “You shut down, blow up, or avoid them,” Helen said. “It ruins your day based on a misread moment.”
And it doesn’t stop with face-to-face interaction. “It shows up in texts and emails too,” Doug added. “We hear a tone that isn’t there.” Helen agreed, saying, “We apply meaning that isn’t inherent in the message. That’s dangerous.”
Checking In Before Reacting
So how do we break the cycle? Helen was clear: “Check in with the person. Ask, ‘Is this what you meant?’” Instead of jumping to conclusions, give the other person a chance to clarify. “That small pause changes everything,” she said.
But tone matters. “If you come in hot and say, ‘Is this what you meant?’ it won’t go well,” Helen warned. “Say it gently, with respect.”
The Power of Unbearable Feelings
Helen also introduced a deeper layer called “unbearable feelings.”
“These are emotional wounds so painful, we build our lives around avoiding them,” she said. Whether it’s helplessness, rejection, or the fear of not being loved, these feelings can cause explosive reactions.
“You go from zero to 100,” Helen explained. “And it’s not because you’re overreacting, it’s because you’re re-experiencing trauma.”
The implications are serious. “You will end a marriage to avoid feeling that,” she said. “You’ll walk away from your kids. These are survival-level responses.”
Doug was stunned. “It explains why people can do unthinkable things,” he said. “I used to ask, ‘How could someone do that?’ But when you understand the pressure trauma creates, it makes sense.”
The Hope in Awareness
Despite the challenges, Helen remains hopeful. “I wouldn’t do this work if I didn’t believe there were solutions,” she said.
With awareness, empathy, and honest conversations, we can change the way we relate to our feelings and each other. Before wrapping up, Helen reminded us: “You can’t stop emotions. But you can stop letting them steer the car.”
Listen to the full conversation below.