Are you constantly saying “yes” when you really want to say “no”? Do you find yourself drained from trying to please everyone around you? You’re not alone. Many people struggle with setting and maintaining healthy boundaries, leading to burnout, stress, and a feeling of being out of control.Dr. Marny Lishman, a renowned psychologist, sheds light on this common issue, offering practical advice on how to establish and uphold boundaries for a healthier, more fulfilling life. This article will explore the importance of boundaries, how to shift your mindset, and how to handle the challenges that may arise.
People-Pleasing in a Snapshot
Imagine these scenarios:
- A friend constantly asks you to go out, even though you’re tired and need some downtime.
- A neighbor repeatedly asks to borrow money, putting you in an awkward and financially strained position.
- You find yourself consistently taking on extra tasks at work, leaving you overwhelmed and resentful.
These are all examples of people-pleasing behavior, where individuals prioritize the needs and wants of others over their own. While it’s natural to want to help and be liked, consistently saying “yes” at your own expense can lead to exhaustion and a sense of losing yourself.
Dr. Lishman explains that boundary setting is a skill learned over time, not a one-time fix. It can be especially challenging for empathetic individuals or those who have spent a lifetime trying to make everyone happy. The desire to be a peacemaker and avoid conflict often leads them to let others take advantage of their generosity.
This pattern can often stem from childhood, where individuals may have felt pressured to constantly please their parents. However, living a life that’s misaligned with your true self, always prioritizing others’ needs, inevitably leads to burnout. It’s crucial to realize that you are not responsible for other people’s choices or emotions. Taking on that responsibility is a heavy burden to carry.
Shifting Your Mindset on Boundaries
So, how can we change our perspective and start setting healthy boundaries? Here are some key insights from Dr. Lishman:
- Recognize the Trade-Off: Understand that when you don’t set boundaries, you are essentially saying “yes” to others and “no” to yourself.
- You’re Not Responsible for Others’ Feelings: It’s up to individuals to be self-aware of their emotions, process them, and take action if something isn’t working for them.
- Practice Self-Talk: Remind yourself that it’s okay to set boundaries and that you have the right to say “no.”
- Assertiveness Benefits Everyone: When you are assertive about your needs, others benefit because your happiness flows outward.
- Reflect on Your Decisions: Take time to consider whether your choices primarily benefit others or yourself.
Setting Boundaries: Practical Steps
Dr. Lishman recommends using short, sharp statements to communicate your boundaries. For example: “I’m feeling under pressure right now because I have too much work. I’d like to have a conversation about passing some of my work to someone else. This is why, and this is what I’d like to do.”
This approach involves clearly stating how you feel, explaining the reason behind your boundary, and outlining your desired outcome. You’re essentially setting perimeters and clearly communicating your limits.
Another powerful tool is simply saying “no.” Dr. Lishman emphasizes that “No” is a complete sentence. Often, we avoid saying no out of fear of what others will think or how they will react. We feel compelled to make excuses, but it’s essential to remember that you don’t need to justify your boundaries.While setting boundaries, remember to be kind and compassionate. You can express your needs and limits without being mean or demanding. Start with statements like “I’m feeling tired/confused” to focus on your own experience and needs.
Benefits of Boundaries
The primary reason people set boundaries is that they’ve reached a breaking point. Their mental and emotional health is significantly impacted by people-pleasing behavior. Setting boundaries:
- Protects your mental health
- Reduces stress
- Prevents burnout
Handling Confrontational Responses
One of the biggest reasons people avoid setting boundaries is the fear of pushback. However, Dr. Lishman points out that if someone reacts negatively to your boundary, it highlights the very reason why you needed to set it in the first place.
Prepare for discomfort and the potential for someone to try to manipulate you back into your old patterns. It’s crucial to stand firm, even when it feels uncomfortable. Seeking support from psychologists, counselors, or coaches can be incredibly helpful during this process.
Refocusing on the Benefits
If you’re feeling guilty about your decision to set a boundary, remind yourself of the benefits, not only for yourself but also for your relationships. Boundaries facilitate better relationships built on respect and clarity. They allow for a deeper understanding of each other’s needs and limits.
Key Takeaways
- We set boundaries because we’re exhausted from saying “yes” to things we should be saying “no” to.
- The main benefits are protecting our emotional and mental health and improving our relationships.
- Boundaries prevent burnout and stress from trying to do everything and make everyone happy.
Boundaries in Different Areas of Life
The principles of boundary setting apply to all areas of life, including family, work, and community. If you can set boundaries with family, you can apply those skills to colleagues, bosses, and friends. Communicate your capabilities and needs clearly.
Personal Growth and Self-Awareness
Ultimately, setting boundaries helps you become a better version of yourself. It fosters self-awareness about your needs and empowers you to communicate them effectively. It’s a valuable lesson in personal development and self-discovery.
Dr. Lishman’s book, “From Crisis to Contentment,” offers further insights into creating a fulfilling life. Remember, setting boundaries is an act of self-care and a crucial step towards taking control of your life.