Child Learning Specialist from PLECS, Natalie Nicholls joined Doug on Mornings to share her insights into why morning routines can be a challenge.
Natalie began with a story about her experience getting her seven-year-old out of bed.
“I’m going, uniform on, come downstairs, have breakfast, pack your school bag, right? I’m thinking, we’ve done this before. Then I have to stop myself and remember, she’s only seven.”
Development and Expectations
“In her mind, it’s let’s just play and have fun. She is not thinking about her next steps.”
Natalie said there is a really big gap in terms of what we should expect of our children on a developmental level.
“Make sure your expectations align with your child’s area of development,” said Natalie.
As adults, we subconsciously get up and understand what is ahead of us that morning.
“Kids wake up, see a toy and decide to play with it. They don’t have the brain capacity to see their uniform and think, ‘I’ve got to get dressed.'”
Executive Functioning
Adult thinking sees a cosy bed as comforting but they have the willpower to get up in spite of it.
“Children don’t have logical thinking ability. Let your kids be kids.”
Natalie said the risk in not allowing them to function at their developmental level can cause us to get angry with them when they fall short of our expectations.
“We need to remember, are we marrying up with exactly their developmental level? Or are we expecting them to function as an adult?”
School is Hard
Natalie wanted to emphasise that school is hard, but getting ready for school is also a complicated set of tasks.
“It’s actually really, really complicated,” she said. “It involves a huge load of our executive functioning, like the CEO of the brain. We have to remember all of the steps.”
She explained that at this age, children borrow their parents’ brains.
“You are their support, but you are not going to do it for them,” said Natalie. “This is how they are going to learn.”
Steps for Parents
Natalie said that by following the steps below, you will be able to streamline the routine, taking the pressure off of your child and relieving parental stress:
- Prompt with Questions – Where is your uniform? Have you brushed your teeth?
- Create a Checklist with Pictures – Up to 4 is the perfect amount for their capacity
- Bring their Focus back to the Checklist – Gentle reminders of their visual cues give them a sense of agency
Remembering all the steps is something our working memory assists us with.
“Their working memory is like one or two items at that age so we can’t expect them to be able to do four to five all at once.”
Parents want control, so therefore feel anxious because there is a time constraint in getting out the door.
“That then triggers our sense of we have to control the situation. If we control the situation, we know then we can get out the door on time, but the problem with that approach is that it creates stress and we can’t control kids, right?”
Natalie said there is a distinct difference between boundaries and control.
“There is a certain degree we can provide boundaries, but you physically cannot control everything. The next thing that helps is task initiation.”
Task Initiation
Getting out of bed is an example of task initiation – to start without being told.
“At this age, between 5 and 8 years old, their system is very immature. Think of it like a seed.”
She said it is like expecting a tomato plant to produce a tomato, yet we haven’t nurtured it or helped it grow.
Sustained Attention
“Sustained attention is another area which is being able to stay on track despite distractions,” said Natalie.
She said this is an area many parents share frustrations in.
“Expecting them to brush their teeth but they’ve gone back to their room and are now distracted.”
Sequencing
Putting one task after the last is great practice for children who are learning routine.
Awareness
“Awareness comes down to understanding urgency,” said Natalie.
“So parents understand, we have to be at the door by quarter past eight, but for a seven-year-old, quarter past eight means nothing. Whether or not they can read time, it means nothing in the world of play.”
Natalie said it is important that we understand where they’re functioning, because if we create that pressure, they are going to be emotionally affected by our criticism and feel bad about themselves.
“Really it’s because we’re expecting too much from them at that age about getting out of the door. And that’s our issue. And that’s what we need to be careful of. This is our issue, not our kids’ issues, right? We need to be supporting them through that journey.”
The Command
Natalie said there is a phrase that parents would benefit from learning, “Connect before command,” which means, before we give our kids instructions, we need to connect first. She said it can also be, “Connect before you correct.”
“Saying things like, ‘I know it’s really warm in that bed. I love doing that too, but we can work together to get X, Y and Z done.'”
“The way our brains work is that we operate on default unless something has become ingrained to become more intentional. Everyone has a different default, depending on how we were parented. Your default comes from the way that you were raised.”
Prompt with Questions
- What do we need to do next?
- Move the command to connection
Visual Timetables
“You don’t have to make them beautiful and pretty. Just get a piece of paper and ask them to draw a picture of their clothes, then maybe their breakfast, and then packing their bag, whatever you have as your routine.”
Natalie said it becomes a visual routine, and instead of using their brain to sequence, they can use their visual timetable.
One Step at a Time
Natalie said the final step is to take it one step at a time.
“Brush your teeth, then come back to me,” is a simple prompt that encourages them to check in with the parent. “They are also less likely to become distracted.”
She said this visual routine supports executive functioning, or what is called a ‘second brain.’
“Their memory can only hold that one step and they’ve really got to be able to hold that where they’re there.”
Become the External Starter
“Try sitting with your child, the next time they begin a task and at least guide them through it.”
She said if parents stand beside them while they pack their bag, and prompt them with questions, like, “What are the three things you need to put in your bag?” it will assist with the sequence.
“But you’ll be doing it for years if you don’t let them do it and you take that time just to be there with them to guide them.”
Rule of Three
Keeping tasks to a rule of three also ensures a smooth morning routine. Finally, Natalie said, keep it the same every day.
“Have the uniform ready night before so it’s nice and easy. It’s get dressed, have breakfast, brush teeth and hair. Then your last thing might be, to put these things in their school bag.”
“If you keep them in a three, then they’re more likely to be able to follow that routine, have it as something that’s always the same order. It’s a less load on the memory. So it becomes a one instead of a three. And that way the brain is able to focus more on that.”
Natalie said it takes the brain over 300 times for something to become automatic.
“Make sure we’re aligning expectations with our child’s brain level at the time.”
Show Compassion
“Always remember what is going on with your child at the same. 99% of the time, their behaviour is reflective of underlying emotion.
“They may be in what we call like a ‘freeze state’ where they can’t think as well as your other one. They need you to be the calm and connected one with them to be allowing their thinking brain to come online.”
Natalie concluded with a reminder on the nervous system.
“We need to remember, where does their nervous system stay? If we’ve got that kid who’s in that free state and they’re frightened and they’re very sensitive, they can’t think anyway. So remembering to be that calm and connected with them so that they know that you are there for them.”
Check out the full chat with Natalie Nicholls below.