When life gets messy and emotions run high, it’s hard to keep your head clear, especially around people who are controlling or manipulative. Helen Kelder from Light, Truth and Love joined Doug on Table Talk to share strategies to help you stay emotionally grounded and set strong boundaries.

Why Some People Are So Hard to Reason With

Helen says the biggest challenge with manipulative people is that you’re not dealing with logic. “They’re not living in reality anymore,” she explains. “Their feelings become facts in their mind.”

Instead of hearing your point of view, they may interpret disagreement as a personal attack. They react with blame, emotional blackmail, or defensiveness. That’s why arguing with facts usually won’t work.

“Knowing this can really help you to stop wasting your energy trying to prove your point,” says Helen. “Start setting boundaries instead.”

What Healthy Boundaries Look Like

Boundaries don’t mean cutting people off. They mean clearly stating what is and isn’t acceptable.

“If someone’s misbehaving, and it’s destructive to your relationship, say: ‘This is the behaviour I can’t accept. If it continues, this is what will happen,” Helen advises.

That consequence might be spending less time with them or stepping away from the conversation. Either way, the goal is to protect your emotional safety, not punish them.

How to Respond to Guilt-Tripping

Manipulative people often use fear or guilt to control others. If you feel confused, pressured, or unable to make your own choices, pause.

“Just recognise it for what it is,” Helen says. “Don’t respond right away. Say, ‘I care about you, but I’m not going to make this decision from a place of guilt.’”

You don’t owe an immediate answer. “Their discomfort doesn’t mean you’re doing the wrong thing,” she adds.

What If You’re Always Questioning Yourself?

Self-doubt is a common effect of psychological manipulation. “You might be constantly second-guessing yourself,” says Helen. “Ask: do I feel this way around everyone, or just this person?”

If the confusion is consistent, it may be time to speak with someone you trust. “A counsellor or friend who knows both sides can offer insight,” Helen suggests.

When the Manipulation Is Subtle but Ongoing

Even if someone seems loving on the surface, that doesn’t excuse harmful behaviour.

“They’ll build themselves up in your world to make you feel like they’re the only one who truly cares,” says Helen. “But often, that’s how they maintain control.”

To gain clarity, Helen recommends taking space. “You’ll find your clarity away from them,” she says. “Whether it’s a walk, a closed-door moment, or speaking to a support service like Lifeline (13 11 14), you need room to think.”

What About When They Badmouth You?

If someone gossips or speaks poorly about you, Helen says to start with self-reflection: “Ask, is there any truth to what they’re saying? If not, reject it.”

She reminds us, “Their behaviour reflects their heart, not your value. Don’t take it personally if it’s not true.”

If needed, confront gently. Say, “I’ve heard this. Is it true? Can we talk about it?” But if it’s a pattern, consider distancing yourself.

“Consistency determines trustworthiness,” Helen notes. “If this is repeated behaviour, you might be dealing with a ‘crazy-maker.’ And it’s okay to step away.”

Triggers Are a Clue, Not the Problem

When someone’s behaviour really gets under your skin, Helen says the issue may lie deeper.

“The behaviour is triggering something in you,” she explains. “It might bring up feelings like, ‘I’m not enough’ or ‘I don’t matter.’”

Recognising your emotional pattern helps you respond instead of react. “Say to yourself: ‘This is their behaviour, not my identity.’”

Use the CLEAR Framework

To help navigate difficult interactions, Helen offers the acronym CLEAR:

  • C – Centre Yourself: Breathe. Remember, you don’t have to match their mood. “Truth keeps you anchored through the storm.”
  • L – Lead with Calm Strength: “Calmness disarms control faster than anything else,” Helen says.
  • E – Express the Real Issue Early: Don’t let frustration build. “Delayed conflict is conflict amplified.”
  • A – Assert Boundaries: “This doesn’t work for me” is a valid response. Emotions are not reality.
  • R – Reinforce Natural Consequences: “If you continue this way, I’ll need to take a break from the conversation.”

Choose Truth Over Feelings

Feelings can be strong, but they aren’t always true.

“Your emotions are like a temperature gauge,” Helen says. “They shift with the seasons. Let truth, not feelings, guide your actions.”

Ultimately, their reaction is not your responsibility. “You are responsible for your response,” Helen affirms. “Their response is theirs.”

Listen to the full conversation below.