Have we forgotten how to be spontaneous? Recently on Mornings with Doug, health and community psychologist Dr Marny Lishman posed a confronting question: in a world of packed calendars, smartphones and endless responsibilities, have we stopped simply showing up for one another?
From fewer “pop-ins” to more screen time, Dr Lishman believes something important has shifted – but she also says we can reclaim it.
We’re Driven by Feelings – Not Always Wisely
At the heart of the issue is something surprisingly simple. “We’re very much driven by how we feel,” Dr Lishman explains.
If we feel tired, busy, stressed or overwhelmed, we automatically say no to invitations. We convince ourselves we don’t have capacity. However, she warns that relying solely on feelings can limit us.
“Sometimes those cool feelings – like fun, playfulness, joy – only come after we do something,” she says. “We have to act first.”
In other words, we often need to step out the door before the motivation appears. That dinner you didn’t feel like attending? The walk you almost cancelled? They’re often the very things that boost your mood.
“Sometimes you’re like, ‘Why didn’t I say yes to that more often?’” she adds. “But you don’t know unless you give it a go.”
Technology Has Quietly Replaced Community
Dr Lishman describes the loss of spontaneity as a “slow creep” over the past decade. “Now that we have these devices, we can almost fill in every gap,” she says. “We can lie on the couch and live in our own individual world attached to our phones or games.”
While technology gives us instant entertainment, it often reduces real-world interaction. Instead of dropping by a neighbour’s house or gathering with friends, we scroll.
“In doing that, we become very disconnected from the village and the community,” Dr Lishman says. “We could get so much more fulfilment by spending time with people.”
She also believes the COVID-19 pandemic reinforced isolation habits. “The pandemic really jolted us and made us stay in,” she explains. “The remnants of that are probably still there.”
Schedule Spontaneity – Seriously
It sounds contradictory, but Dr Lishman encourages people to “ritualise” social connection. “You’ve got to ritualise these things in your diary,” she says. “Schedule in spontaneity.”
Rather than filling every spare moment, she recommends deliberately leaving space. “Make sure you never book anything in on a Sunday afternoon,” she suggests. “Leave it open for whatever might happen.”
If your calendar is crammed, there’s no room for a last-minute beach trip, coffee catch-up or neighbour’s knock at the door. Creating margin makes spontaneity possible again.
Don’t Become the “Fun Police”
As adults, responsibilities often crowd out enjoyment. “There’s a slow creep where we become the fun police,” Dr Lishman says. “Work becomes the priority, bills have to be paid – and that always wins.”
However, she stresses that fun is essential for wellbeing. “Being playful, going out dancing, being part of something bigger than yourself – all of that actually helps with your wellbeing,” she says. “Never underestimate the power of putting that into your diary.”
Fun strengthens relationships, reduces stress and builds resilience. It’s not a luxury, it’s a necessity.
Reach Out – Everyone Wants to Be Asked
One common complaint is, “I don’t have anyone to go with.” Yet Dr Lishman often finds that people are simply assuming others are too busy.
“Everyone feels the same,” she says. “Just reach out. Pop them a message. Ring them up.” Even if nothing comes of it, the connection itself matters.
“We all want to be asked. We want to be wanted and needed,” she says.
And if friendships have drifted, she encourages people to reconnect through shared interests. “Think about activities you love and start engaging with them in your community,” she says. “Join a team. The bonus is you might meet someone new.”
Start the Conversation at Home
If family life feels repetitive, Dr Lishman suggests a simple reset. “Have a bit of a family meeting,” she says. “Ask everyone what they’d like to do for fun instead of parents always driving it.”
Similarly, she encourages friendship groups to shake things up. “Let’s do something wild on a Saturday,” she laughs. “Go out and do something different.”
Afterwards, she recommends reflecting: “Notice how you feel. What does Sunday night feel like now that you’ve done something different?”
Make Space for Something More
Breaking habitual patterns takes intention. “We’re very habitual creatures,” Dr Lishman says. “To do something different, we have to look at our schedule and go, ‘What do I need to change here?’”
The solution isn’t complicated, but it is deliberate. Create space. Say yes occasionally when you’d normally say no. Send the message. Leave the afternoon open.
Because sometimes, the art of spontaneity isn’t lost – it’s simply waiting for an invitation.
You can check out Doug’s full chat with Dr Marny Lishman below.