One of Leah and Dan‘s listeners recently asked: “What do I do if someone is constantly difficult and defensive, I tend to just shut down and remove myself whenever challenged?” 

It’s a common struggle. In fact, many people, when hurt or offended, tend to walk away from relationships. But as Christians, we are reminded that while setting healthy boundaries is important, God doesn’t ask us to give up entirely on people. Kate Ryan from the Focus on the Families shared her insights.

Hurt vs. Harm

It’s essential to understand the difference between being hurt and being harmed.

  • In everyday family or work relationships, it is normal to be upset from time to time. Feeling hurt is part of human interaction.
  • Harm, however, is a very different matter. Harm refers to situations where you feel unsafe or toxic, whether physically, emotionally, sexually, or spiritually.

Hurt can be short-lived, something you can work through and move past. Harm, on the other hand, is generally prolonged, deeply personal, and ongoing. A helpful way to discern the difference is to listen to your gut: if you feel your reaction is disproportionate to the situation, it may be simple hurt rather than harm. But if the negative impact continues and crosses your boundaries, it may be toxic and then stronger measures may be necessary.

When Walking Away Feels Right

Shutting down or withdrawing is a natural emotional response it’s part of the fight-or-flight reflex. But simply walking away is rarely the final answer. Instead, you can try a healthier form of responding:

  • If a conversation is going in a negative direction, you might calmly say, “I’m not available for this conversation right now. If that doesn’t work for you, I’m going to have to head off.”
  • Things become even more complicated when it’s a family member. The key is to have a clear action plan: Limit the time you spend with the critical person if necessary and seek support from other safe family members or friends who can affirm and encourage you.

This way, you can still maintain a connection while ensuring your wellbeing isn’t compromised.

Healthy Boundaries and Faith

Relationships are never free from conflict, but being critical or defensive doesn’t always need to lead to permanent disconnection. God calls us to persevere in love, but love can also mean setting boundaries and pushing back against toxic patterns.

Listen to the full conversation below.