Doug was joined by Relationships Specialist and Director of Clarity Conversations, Kylie Dunjey, to discuss the importance of healthy conflict.
Kylie began by detailing her background in counselling.
“I went down the teaching route, then about 17 years ago got my Master’s in Counselling, which led to Relationships Australia. I ended up directing all their clinical services for the last six years. I have now stepped away from all that and I’ve got my own practice,” she said.
Good Conflict
Kylie wanted to express the key components of a healthy relationship. Many people expect perfection and feel like fighting with their partner is unhealthy, but Kylie argued, it is part of life.
“I certainly grew up thinking that no conflict was better than some conflict and was sort of proud of how long we went before we had our first fight,” said Kylie.
Fight Right
“I really look at that differently now and I see that healthy relationships have healthy fights as part of it.”
Kylie said the distinction is, fighting right over not having fights.
“Fight has the connotations of being negative and aggressive … that is not what I mean.”
She explained that inevitably, two people coming together will hold differences. We are attracted to that in the other person.”
Those differences become points of difference that are hard to resolve on a day-to-day basis.
“If we don’t resolve them,” said Kylie, “But instead shove them under the carpet or become really compliant and abandon ourselves and our own needs, then that bodes poorly for the quality of the relationship.
Kylie said this is because being known and understood comes from doing the hard work.
“Working that out in a respectful way is what builds our emotional intimacy and our physical intimacy.”
Stay Curious
Kylie said we all need to think of our relationships as a work in progress.
“If we can stay curious and maintain goodwill, then we work through those things.”
She said it is common to be having a fight about the same thing in 40 years time because of those deep set differences.
“Let’s just say you’re an introvert and you marry an extrovert. That’s how you’re hardwired. That’s not going to go away because you have just the ultimate conversation about it and it’s gone forever.”
She said differences like that will come up again and again, so we need to know how to have those conversations in a way that brings us closer together, rather than dividing us.
Compromise
“We live in a world that’s increasingly becoming polarized and binary, and it’s right or it’s wrong. Compromise has almost become a dirty word. But actually, if we want to build a relationship that’s strong and lasting, it can’t be a dirty word.”
Research tells us that 69% of the conflict that we’re dealing with on a regular basis is perpetual.
Hardwired Differences
“The things that crop up again and again can relate to something in our childhood,” said Kylie. “It could relate to a dream that we have and perhaps haven’t shared it. It could relate to those hardwired differences in our personality.”
Within that 69% statistic is a variety of those aforementioned factors.
“The challenge is, what can we do to tackle that 69% so that it doesn’t have the power to derail us, to result in some really negative patterns that make me feel disrespected by you, that make me feel like you just don’t get me, that I don’t matter.”
She said that the messages we often are left with when we have unresolved issues, can be so damaging to the relationship.
Ratio of Resolution
“Twenty to one would be great. And I say that on purpose because if you come into your conflict, having somehow scored the 20 to one, they’re going to think, they’re so for me that I’m going to be less likely to hear this as a criticism and as crushing as I would if prior to this.”
In other cases, if someone responds poorly, or is distracted on their phone, the ratio will become much smaller due to the amount of times a partner has been unapproachable.
“We haven’t had a chance to have any walks or talks or whatever it is that builds that 20 to one ratio.”
Kylie said that within the conflict, the things that connect couples don’t have to be corny, but they won’t come naturally either.
Emotional Bank Account
Kylie used the idea of an emotional bank account. If people make 5 deposits of positive regard to every 1 conflict, it will maintain a healthy emotional bank account.
How to Connect
- Make Eye Contact
- Nod Your Head
- Validate Their Feelings
“Make eye contact, nod your head, affirmation, attach. Touch, yeah. Holding hands, sitting next to each other,” said Kylie. “In the midst of the conversation, if you can look at your partner, nod your head.”
She said it is important to validate them when they have made a good point.
“You might not agree with the whole kit and caboodle, but there might be a grain of truth in something. Find it. affirm it, validate it, will go a long way towards insulating that argument when you inevitably aren’t going to be your best self.”
Go For a Walk
“For some people, it’s near impossible to do that, sitting opposite each other. It might be that it’s best to go for a walk to have this difficult conversation.”
She highlighted that giving them a heads up is more likely to prepare them and allow yourselves a greater benefit.
“Say, ‘Can we talk about something that’s a bit difficult?’ Don’t, you know blindside them. That almost inevitably doesn’t work.”
She said that more seasoned couples will inevitably have more bad runs on the board.
“There’s a bit of scar tissue around this. So, you want to score some of those five things.”
Unresolved Conflict
Kylie spoke about what happens when couples keep their issues buried. If we actively choose not to bring it up, it doesn’t go away, it just stays inside.
“So where’s it going? Is it eating your insides? Is it under the carpet? Eventually you won’t be able to see each other because the bump under the carpet’s going to be so big with all that unresolved stuff that you’ve been too scared to talk about,” said Kylie.
“Some of us come from homes that were really volatile. We leave home thinking, I’m not going to create a home like that. My home’s going to be peaceful, so we keep the peace rather than make the peace.”
Kylie said that staying away from anything that might result in conflict eventually becomes lonely.
“That big pile of unresolved conflict is isolating and dangerous for the relationship because your needs are not being met inside the relationship for that closeness.”
Kylie said she should have been concerned for herself when she believed no conflict was the best course of action.
“I really believe that we need to be brave enough to start really clunky, really clumsy, with a bit of knowledge and with a really stilted script to work our way through those unresolvable perpetual issues that exist between us.”
Harsh Start, Harsh End
Kylie said starting an argument with phrases like, “You always,” or something critical will inevitably end harsh as well.
Experts advise that the first 3 minutes of a fight tells you to about a 96% level of accuracy as to how it will end.
“So if it starts badly, there’s about a 96% chance it’s going to end badly. We know that criticism is a bad start.”
Start Neutral
“Start with something like, ‘I noticed this morning when I came out that the kitchen was a really big mess.’
She said, it is important to say “I feel,” next to take the blame off the other person so they can actually hear you.
“There’s quite a bit of responsibility on the part of the person that’s bringing it up. Unfortunately, what often happens is we reach the point where the pressure cooker valve can stand it no more and it goes off and anger gives us energy and makes us feel powerful and we go for that issue.”
Take Ownership of Feelings
“We actually need to go, okay, what’s the situation that I’ve got a problem with right now?”
Kylie said if we first address our feelings and take ownership of what we have an issue with, we can plan an ideal outcome and then bring up the issue.
“If there is goodwill in the relationship still, that sets the other person up for the most success in not It sets them up with the greatest possibility of staying open.”
Kylie said we need to park the superior attitude and the contempt that frustrates us before we even engage.
Stonewalling
Stonewalling is what happens when a person feels attacked and they walk away when they have received too much criticism so they want to shut down.
“When the fighting is taking place, that’s where the five to one, that’s where the gentle start, that’s where they’re taking ownership. The alternative is stonewalling – walking away, shutting down. You might need to take a time out.”
Kylie concluded with an encouragement that there are better ways to argue than what people may currently be doing.
“There are things that you can learn to have totally different conversations that lead to greater intimacy and closeness.”
Check out the full chat with Kylie Dunjey below.