Bec and Asa on Drive were joined by Pastor Phil Ayres to talk about the secret sauce of romance.
Friends Forever
Pastor Phil said that he has personally found friendship to be the secret to a happy and long-lasting marriage.
“Friendship, the secret sauce. I think the concept we want to talk about today is what’s the connection between how friendship impacts a relationship and the ongoing romance.”
He elaborated by saying, Dr. John Gottman in his research, dealt with thousands of couples in the Gottman Research Institute and found that the strongest marriages and ongoing relationships are built on deep friendship.
Best Friends vs Partners
Pastor Phil said that for the people who don’t consider their partners their best friend, it is worth the pursuit.
“I understand what they’re saying, because what they’re really saying is I just don’t want to have to do the intense work that’s required to build a deeper level of relationship, because it is hard work when you’re very different, you have lots of differences you’re working through.”
He added an encouragement, “One day your children are gone, you’re going to be old, you’re going to have each other, and you want to pursue that relationship so that by the time you’ve invested, you’re not living with someone you don’t even know, that you’re continuing to know them and growing together as a couple.”
Building a Bond
There can be an assumption from couples that friendship is built into the relationship but it is something you build together.
“At the beginning of a relationship there is that sense of connection, that desire to be together, but I think it’s possible to settle and just be accepting of a relationship that’s not fully what it could be.”
A friend loves at all times.
Proverbs 17:17
Referencing Proverbs 17:7, Pastor Phil said it goes beyond physical chemistry into a building of trust and loyalty.
Laughing Through Life
Pastor Phil said that within a friendship lies a great deal of laughter, which can lubricate a love life.
“I hope it’s okay to say that way,” he laughed. “I’m just saying that it’s brilliant. When I talk about friendship and our love life, the reality is it’s about fun, being crazy together. Friendship is not just about being formal. It’s about having fun and about just hanging out together, being on an adventure together, feeling like, I’m excited, what are we going to do? It’s the person you can be with and say and do stupid things, they laugh with you, they get you. And you just love being with them because you’re not afraid to be really who you are.”
Organic or Orchestrated?
What draws a couple together may not be what keeps a couple together, argued Pastor Phil.
“What keeps you together is the intentionality to recognize what you’ve got and to build on it.”
“The chemistry is in the memory,” he continued, “In other words, the things you did when you first came together, that romancing, that friendship, the fun. Because when you begin a relationship, you are having fun, experiencing things.”
He explained that couples tend to deal with higher stress and more responsibility as the relationship progresses, which is why it is important to not only build on a friendship, but reignite the playfulness that the relationship started with.
May I Have This Dance?
In Phil’s case, he and his wife Sue took up dance lessons. Except they didn’t realise it was a progressive dance lesson, where you dance with your partners once, let move onto a round of other people.
“I don’t think I danced with Sue apart from once the first beginning of the night. The rest of the night I was dancing with other people and it was so awkward. Because I find dancing really kind of embarrassing. Sue was watching me the whole time and we laughed about it on the way home.”
Common Interests
This led Phil to his final point: posing the questions that help answer how you can initiate friendship as a couple. It could involve taking up a new hobby together or just engaging in conversation to reignite the chemistry. He prompted the question:
What do I do in my relationship to grow and develop?
Then he concluded with a call to action, “Take responsibility and go for it and ask yourself that question.”
Check out the full chat below.