Love expert Pastor Phil Ayres joined Bec and Asa on Drive to talk about dating with purpose.
Pastor Phil said the context is important to note, as it pulls into focus what the Bible would classify as healthy dating.
Dating Should Have Direction
According to God, and from a Christian perspective, dating should not be for entertainment or a casual-emotional attachment.
Can two people walk together without agreeing on the direction?
Amos 3:3
The Hebrew idea behind “agree” carries the sense of meeting by appointment or being in deliberate alignment. It is not casual companionship — it implies intentional unity.
The Process of Discerning
Pastor Phil encouraged us to ask questions throughout a relationship to discern whether or not there is a future. He said it doesn’t have to be clinical. It can be outworked in a relational, fun and lively environment.
“Where are we going?”
“What is the ultimate direction we are going to take?”
“Because I don’t want to deeply attach and then have to detach after we’ve had a casual long relationship. When couples do that, when couples go into in and out of relationships, I think it’s actually practicing for marriage and divorce. Because you’re becoming comfortable with the idea of deeply connecting, but then you’re withdrawing and pulling completely out of a relationship, starting again.”
God did not wire us to function that way in relationships, according to Pastor Phil.
The Million Dollar Question
How far into dating do you know when to commit or realise, it is not meant to be?
“If I could answer that right now, I’d make a million bucks today, because that’s the million dollar question,” said Phil, “The dating journey should be like a ship coming into a harbour.”
Ships Coming into Harbour
He explained that when ships come into a harbour, they have to come in a certain process and direction until they receive green lights. Before they align, there are red lights guiding them forward until they are in the right direction.
“I think it’s a little bit like that, where we’re looking for the alignment of those green lights to push the go button. We’re not just jumping in too quick, but we’re also not being reserved and waiting forever until someone proves they’re Mr. or Miss Perfect. We’re actually being realistic in our time frame and our focus.”
Shared Values Matter
Shared values help partners navigate life decisions, reduce conflict, and improve overall relationship quality. Asking questions like, “Do we both want children?” “Am I willing to sacrifice my needs for my partner’s if we don’t align?”
“If one wants to live close to parents and family and be in community and the other one wants to be a million miles away, that can be a game changer for a lot of people. So talk about those things in the season of dating and talking about what are the really important. It helps to reduce conflict.”
A recent longitudinal study revealed out of nearly 80,000 couples in a UK-based research study suggested that alignment on beliefs, routines, broader life orientation and sense of focus in a couple built them into a more stable and satisfying relationship.
Pastor Phil revisited the question posed in Amos: Can two people walk together without agreeing on the direction?
“In other words, we’ve discussed it. We’ve made a decision. We’ve worked out where we’re going. And that alignment is not just because we naturally agree, but it’s because we intentionally choose to focus and build our direction together.”
Red Flags
“If there’s something that violates your fundamental core values, you have to think carefully about whether or not this relationship is right for you. If that person doesn’t acknowledge, doesn’t seem as though they’re going in the same direction, even though emotionally you feel so connected, you’ve got to be careful that you’re not being manipulated in the moment by your own emotional framework and it’s taking you down a path that will end in a dead end.”
Pastor Phil said it is a journey. There is an infatuation stage, a frustration stage and a time to work together to strengthen your relationship, or ultimately decide you aren’t compatible.
Unity Doesn’t Happen Accidentally
Pastor Phil concluded by saying that great relationships grow intentionally through commitment and hard work. He encouraged couples to know that ultimately you will reap the fruit of your labour.
“Don’t expect because your alignment of values is the same that on every area you’re going to have perfect agreement,” said Phil. “You’re going to have to work at it and you’re going to have to slug it out in a good way to make it grow and build together.”
Check out the full chat below.