Bec and Asa from Drive chatted with Phil Ayres about attraction vs covenant in marriage and in dating.
Pastor Phil began by talking about the meaning of the word covenant.
The Lord has been witnessed between you and your wife, the wife of your youth. She is your companion and the wife of your covenant.
Malachi 2:14
What is a Covenant?
Pastor Phil said, a covenant is something that is identified with three basic elements.
- Terms and Conditions
- Exchanging of Promises
- Consummation and Joining
Pastor Phil explained the importance of understanding what a covenant is before considering marriage.
“First, there is terms and conditions and the choice of exclusivity.”
He continued, “The second part of a covenant is exchanging of promises, a willingness to promise, personal promises to each other of benefit and living together in a mutually beneficial way.”
Pastor Phil then unpacked what consummation means with respect to joining.
“Most ancient covenants were blood covenants. The binding oath of that covenant was sealed with the sacrifice of an animal. That was the ancient culture. But in a marriage, in an actual formal marriage covenant, the binding covenant is the consummation of the marriage.”
He said that in modern culture we live in a a more casual and conditional-based love relationship entity. He argued that sometimes this can make it more transactional, rather than covenantal.
Why Has There Been a Change?
“I think because over time, and I guess the wealth and the benefit of our society today, we have more options and we have more convenience in the way we live.”
He said that marriage falls under a formal covenant.
“The essence and foundation of Christian love is laid out in that formal covenant of marriage, but also in the way that I posture my heart towards family, towards my parents, towards the friendships I have, when you have the posture of a covenantal love and the way you do things.”
“It is a game changer for the way that I live and ultimately builds much deeper and meaningful relationships that are authentic and lasting in a way that God designed them to be.”
Covenant Attitude
Pastor Phil spoke of King David in the Old Testament who had a covenant-type relationship with his friend, Jonathon.
“There was a deep commitment, a support, a friendship there,” he continued, “Friendship in our culture today is an incredible way to have covenant-based relationships – it doesn’t mean they’re controlling, it doesn’t mean that you have an ownership,” he said, “It means is the posture that I take towards the other people or the person in my relationships, I authentically commit to and I don’t see as casual or convenience-based.”
Covenant vs Attraction
Pastor Phil said that attraction is really important when building a life with someone. There needs to be chemistry and a sense of connection.
“Attraction starts in our culture, starts relationships, but covenant sustains. This means living your life not just in how we feel, but a deep laying down of my life for you, that actually is what sustains relationship.”
Attraction is a ‘me first’ culture, whereas covenant is a ‘you first’ culture, according to Pastor Phil. He also argued that in every relationship, there is a honeymoon phase or euphoria where it seems better than it is.
“But at some point reality kicks in and it’s those that are willing to go beyond just a me first mentality and commit themselves to give themselves in a you first transition begins to change that. And with attraction, there’s chemistry, but ultimately in covenant, there is a deep personal commitment.”
Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.
John 15:13
Referencing John 15, Phil said, “It’s the willingness to give of yourself, to sacrifice. And at times when you feel that maybe things aren’t fair or not going the way you want, it’s that deep sense of personal commitment to that person that makes a difference and empowers the relationship to continue through those valleys and those rocky moments.”
Marriage Mentality
A covenant mentality in relationships can often sustain it through marriage.
“Consistency has to be an essential part of what builds a lasting relationship. If you visit your commitment to that person once in a blue moon, ultimately you become unstable and unsafe.”
He discussed American psychologist, John Gottman’s research on the 5 to 1 ratio.
“The way that I connect with you and communicate with you, there has to be a positive exchange and it’s a 5 to 1 ratio. So in other words, building consistency into what I do is essential in terms of deliberate positive interactions versus the struggles and negative interactions that we have.”
Check out the full chat with Pastor Phil Ayres below.